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Part 1 of the Survival Series: How To Survive In A Nigerian Home

By Ebube Nwosu

Let’s be honest with ourselves, no lies, nobody should be with their family for this long and for the people living in the hardest hit areas in Nigeria – seeing as our President has just extended the lockdown on those states – Our respects go out to you all as we pray you do not go all Itachi on your household in the dead of the night because, as I mentioned earlier, no one should be around their families for this long. Yes, We(especially the undergraduates whose schools were thousands of kilometers away from their childhood homes) were thrilled to have this very much welcomed break – as we students no dey take eye see “Mandatory School Shutdown” – from the hassles of early classes, unmarked assignments, poor meal plans and non-budgeted expenses back to the warmth of our mother’s embrace, the safety of our childhood homes and the fattening power of our mother’s cooking all in the name of self isolation and quarantine. For in times of crisis like this, the best place to be is Home. However, these happy fun times do not last more than the first week in self isolation – because that is how long visible displays of affection last in a typical African home – and everyone in the house starts showing subtle symptoms of Cabin Fever.


Just as the ominous texts above must have clearly explained what cabin fever means,the question I want to ask is this: Have your parents asked you what you are studying in school already as though they don’t know the answer already? Have they threatened to destroy your phones yet? Have they asked you for your textbooks yet? Now if you’ve already been threatened by these questions, then congratulations!, you are a true offspring of this glorious country of ours and you’re clearly slipping out of grace with your parents but fear not for these things, with silent prayers to the old gods and the new, can be renewed with the help of some strategies of mine. 

Author’s Note:Information about to be divulged here should not be taken too seriously as one man’s food can be another man’s poison

Survival Plan 1: Be Useful. Find a duty that both suits you and is within visual range of your parent’s eyes. You don’t even have to do it well. Your job is to just be relevant in their presence. The over doers might want to add some finnese into their self allocated chores which not only earns them enough praises but unfortunately makes them slaves to their own chore. If you have siblings, then you can utilize them to your advantage. You can never go wrong with a loyal minion or two. 

Other ways of being useful could be by having time with a book. It does not have to be a school book – God knows we didn’t come back home to see anymore technical drawings or intellectual questions that need solving. Anything readable would suffice; a novel, old newspapers etc. But don’t forget, your parents have to see you. SURVIVAL

PLAN 2: WINTER HAS COME! 

I’m sure the drought has hit by now. “The Sun’s coming real low” on our data subscriptions and it’s not like you can ask your parents right now. They’re already struggling with how to feed without the hopes of getting any pay in sight that buying you credit won’t be a priority and it’s not like they can give you pocket money… I mean where are you pocketing the money to? Your room? But a man must be on the web though. This is why at times like this, you need a backup savings like a piggyback or piggyvest for those internet banking savant out there. You can also sell your services to your parents – unless you have parents who would ask you to pay them for bringing you into existence – or if you have relatives who acknowledge you in the family then you are covered. Winter has come early, my people! We need to be ready before our last seen would be as long as the virus’ incubation period. 

Survival Plan 3: Stack up on movies. You can never go wrong with movies. With the current pandemic virtually putting the movie industries on hold with productions,there are no blockbuster movies coming out which indirectly means no cinemas to go to. A blessing in disguise for all those cinema lovers to save their time and money as well as a means to curb the spread of the virus. In that case, you’ve got alot of downloading to do as there are thousands of sites with contents suited to your taste and needs; Be it movies or series (click here), cartoons for the minions(click here) or for the cultured and distinguished lovers of the Japanese art of animation(click here). There is a site for your every need. Just be sure your data doesn’t disappoint you and you’ll be good to go.And remember, stay safe and stay isolated because

2 Comments

  1. Just looked at a few of your photos (: i’m really happy i reached task shadow you.
    You’re terrific!

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